Thursday, March 17, 2016

When all you want to do in life is have your own baby...

Unless you've been through it yourself, you will never know the struggles of dealing with infertility. From the many doctors appointments, treatments, shots, ultrasounds, and worst of all the emotional roller coaster, it really takes a toll on your mind, body and soul.

It all started years ago not long after we got married. We had been trying for a baby for over a year with no success. Now I've never had regular cycles, so I wasn't completely surprised that I was having problems narrowing down my cycle times and when I was ovulating.

After meeting with a doctor and going through lots of tests, for both of us, it was determined that I didn't ovulate on my own. No wonder I couldn't figure out when I was ovulating, I wasn't! It was a bit of a relief to hear that it was most likely just my lack of ovulating that was causing our infertility problems, and that it could be fixed with modern medicine.

With the strongest desire to have a child of our own and the thoughts of the possibility of not having a baby go through your head over and over, it can really mess with you. All you do is ask question after question; What if this doesn't work, what if we can't have a baby on our own, what about a surrogate, what about adopting...these thoughts start to consume your life.

My hubby and I were set on having kids, it was what we always wanted. I have always wanted to be a mommy, I was born to be a mommy. I always wanted a baby and everything that came with it! I wanted to decorate a nursery, I didn't care about sleepless nights, I wanted it all! And the thought that I might not be able to get what I yearned for so badly was killing me.

I went through a time when I couldn't be around others with kids. I even missed my good friends baby shower. It's not that I wasn't happy for her, but I was really sad for myself. It was hard to see others get pregnant from sneezing, or people who aren't in the position to have a baby get pregnant accidentally. It made me really sad. A feeling that was uncontrollable. I would just get into a funk that was hard to get out of.

BUT, after 6 months of trying and 3 rounds of Clomid - we were pregnant!

It was amazing to finally pee on a stick and see something other than a negative sign. We were through the roof elated. I can't even explain how excited we were.

And so the pregnancy begins. To make it short, it was a long pregnancy, I was sick for 9 months. But I was so happy to be so sick, I was having a baby!

December 25, 2011 came around and I was still a few weeks away from my January 9th due date. But I woke up around 6am to go to the bathroom and on my walk to the bathroom my water broke...OH MY GOODNESS our baby was coming, and on Christmas Day! We were shocked and excited all at the same time. We got to the hospital around 9am, I wanted to open up our Christmas presents first, we checked in and the journey of our life began. A few hours of walking, and a short 25 minutes of pushing and just before 6pm our little princess was here! Life was really starting.

Fast forward to 2016 and we now have a happy and crazy 4 year old. She is the light of our life and the center of our world. But there does seem to be something missing, a sibling. Savannah asks for a baby just about every day.

It has been a struggle for me on weather we should try for #2 or not. For a long time I wasn't ready. I didn't know if I could love another child or if I could even take care of another child. The thought of having another one really scared me. At the time we were living in a 952 square foot condo. We didn't even have a dining room anymore, it was converted into a playroom. How in the world would we bring another baby home into this tiny place.  My husband and daughter were ready for #2 long ago, but I wasn't.

However, we decided to move and are now in a nice big new house. We have lots of space, a big yard and plenty of room for another baby! I finally felt ready to try for #2. And again this emotional roller coaster has started. I've done 2 rounds of monitored Clomid, 1 round of Clomid and Menopur, 1 round unmonitored Clomid, and I'm now on my first round of all Menopur injections. I've also started on some natural supplements to help with egg production and to stimulate regular cycles and ovulation. In addition we decided to purchase an OvuSense to try and pin point my ovulation. With our insurance we only get 6 cycles of treatment covered, after that we're we only have a few more chances to make it work before thinking about IVF options.

I'm so up and down and my hormones are all over the place. I thought trying for the second one wouldn't be as emotional. In my heart if we don't have another baby I'm ok with it. I know we have our one beautiful baby girl and if that's all we have life will still feel complete. On the other hand, I would feel some level of guilt not giving my hubby and daughter the sibling and child that they so desperately want.

But here we go...stay tuned to find out what happens. And if you have any questions please feel free to ask. It's a tough process and if you're going through it you know that sometimes you just need someone to talk to, someone who understands, and who has experienced the same struggles.

Praying hard and staying positive for a successful round this time!

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My mom, referred to as Mama L, and I have been talking about starting a blog for quite some time now. We are always trying new recipes and making new crafts - always being told by friends and family that we need to sell our creations. Instead of selling them we've decided to share our crafty ideas, yummy recipes along with our funny adventures here on our blog. Please follow us and enjoy. We are always trying to find new places to explore, new recipes to cook for our families and most of all we're just having fun!